PbP and Tolkien's style

[cuthalion]

Something of an experiment. I've been trying out PbP thanks to Zed's excellent introductory adventure, and thought it would be interesting to read over my posts and look a little closer at Tolkien to see how they might be improved. This is not to say all PbP ought to aim at sounding like the books or anything like that, but in case this is interesting or helpful for anyone else, I thought I'd post up a few notes.

So here are a couple of example posts from the game to use as test cases:

The hiss of Dhouda's spear sounds closely in his ear, and the returning scream clearly comes from behind him, but Iwald keeps his gaze set on Cenric, though the heat of battle begins to rush through him. Straining to draw the great bow back, he holds the string to his jaw just as his view becomes filled with the movement of those rushing into combat, and Cenric's form becomes lost behind them. Fearing to loose and wound a companion, Iwald relaxes his draw for an instant . . .

Something about the thud that sounds behind him fills Iwald with dread, and, forgetting his frustrations at gaining sight of Cenric, Iwald wheels around to hear a bitter gasp from Dhouda as she sinks to one knee, the towering form of her attacker before her. He draws fiercely and hurls an arrow straight at the man's chest.

I did a quick search on battle scenes from the FoTR (and also including the first chapter of TTT), including Hilltop (I.11), the fight with the wargs (II.4), Moria (II.5), and Parth Galen (III.I). (I.e. this highly scientific sampling is only meant to produce a token of Tolkien.)

First thing: besides the obvious 'felt', 'heard', 'shouted', 'looked', 'ran' etc., common (i.e. very frequent) verbs that seem particularly Tolkien-battle-ish are: 'cried', 'leaped', and 'sprang', as the main contenders, and also 'fell' (both items falling from hands and acts of where enemies are killed), 'pierced', and 'thrust'.

Ok, what else can we get by looking at some instances more closely:

The third was taller than the others: his hair was long and gleaming and on his helm was a crown. In one hand he held a long sword, and in the other a knife; both the knife and the hand that held it glowed with a pale light. He sprang forward and bore down on Frodo.

Even as he swooned he caught, as through a swirling mist, a glimpse of Strider leaping out of the darkness with a flaming brand of wood in either hand.

Gandalf had hardly spoken these words, when there came a great noise: a rolling Boom that seemed to come from depths far below, and to tremble in the stone at their feet. They sprang towards the door in alarm.

Boromir leaped forward and hewed at the arm with all his might; but his sword rang, glanced aside, and fell from his shaken hand. The blade was notched.

`Wait a moment! Do not close it yet!' said Gandalf. He sprang forward to Boromir's side and drew himself up to his full height.

For an instant the wizard looked out. Arrows whined and whistled down the corridor as he sprang back.

But even as the orc flung down the truncheon and swept out his scimitar, Andúril came down upon his helm. There was a flash like flame and the helm burst asunder. The orc fell with cloven head. His followers fled howling, as Boromir and Aragorn sprang at them.

There was a horn-blast and a rush of feet, and orcs one after another leaped into the chamber.

But even as they retreated, and before Pippin and Merry had reached the stair outside, a huge orc-chieftain, almost man-high, clad in black mail from head to foot, leaped into the chamber; behind him his followers clustered in the doorway. His broad flat face was swart, his eyes were like coals, and his tongue was red; he wielded a great spear.

Aragorn hesitated. He desired to go to the high seat himself, hoping to see there something that would guide him in his perplexities; but time was pressing. Suddenly he leaped forward, and ran to the summit, across the great flag-stones, and up the steps. Then sitting in the high seat he looked out. But the sun seemed darkened, and the world dim and remote. He turned from the North back again to North, and saw nothing save the distant hills, unless it were that far away he could see again a great bird like an eagle high in the air, descending slowly in wide circles down towards the earth.

'The horn of Boromir!' he cried. 'He is in need!' He sprang down the steps and away, leaping down the path. 'Alas! An ill fate is on me this day, and all that I do goes amiss. Where is Sam?’

So, just keeping things really simple, a few tips are:

• Despite the obvious variations, where the action is, Tolkien is generally brief: simple (past indicative) sentences, sometimes joined with conjunctions ('and', 'but', etc.): 'He sprang forward and bore down on Frodo'.
• This can sometimes make them verb heavy: 'Boromir leaped forward and hewed . . . but his sword rang . . . and fell . . . The blade was notched.'
• Want to add a sense of urgency: use an 'even as' to begin, or an 'as' to join a simultaneous action to the end of a sentence.
• Tolkien's descriptive passages play off really well against these shorter action sentences: watch where he does it again and again.
• Similes—are generally pretty gritty and muted when they do come. Nothing too elaborate.
• 'Hewed' is an awesome verb.
• If your sword/weapon has a name, feel free to make it the subject of a sentence. So awesome.

Hopefully I haven't just ruined Tolkien for you. Would be interested to see what you all see that I've missed. If anyone is interested, I might expand on this at some point, taking up another topic, or another source.

Time for maybe an informal writing competition? Taking my own advice, I can turn my second post into:

There was a dull thud behind Iwald that filled him with dread; he whirled around to hear a bitter gasp from Dhouda as she slumped down to one knee. With a cry, Iwald drew back the great bow and loosed an arrow.

Ok. At least not as bad as the first attempt. I'm sure somebody can do better. Or else, care to submit a post you're proud of? Bonus points if you can tell us why it's Tolkien-y.

[zedturtle]

Awesome stuff. Remember also that Tolkien, while often long winded, is also masterful at the short sentence that punctures or amplifies the previous description. 'And it stank.' being the most famous example.

When I am in front of a real keyboard later, I might add some thoughts about "high style".

[Rocmistro]

Couple other things:

1. It's awesome if you and everyone else, can get into the habit of writing in past tense, 3rd person. When you go back and read it, it feels like a novel.

2. Some more Tolkien verbs, nouns, adjectives: Smote (another awesome verb, like hewed), clout, ire, wrath, fell (instead of evil or bad), blessed, cursed, accursed, deeds, perceive or spy (instead of see or looked), sinew, flesh, (instead of guts, muscle, bone, tendon), marred, broken, pierced, hacked (instead of cut, severed, slashed), crown, brow, temple (for head, brain, skull).

3. Avoid any words that sound too modern, too technical, too medical or scientific. So for example, instead of "hit him in the skull with his sword", you would write something like "Smote him about (or upon) his brow..."

4. You are allowed to start sentences with "And".

[cuthalion]

1. It's awesome if you and everyone else, can get into the habit of writing in past tense, 3rd person. When you go back and read it, it feels like a novel.

Agreed. Interesting though--I don't seem to see this too often. Even though it would be easier to read and write, and fit better with the start and stop nature of PbP. Though as I say, I'm new to all this--is 3rd person past used a lot?

[zedturtle]

Eh, I'm more a fan of "player actions are present tense, GM posts are past tense" approach. It feels more like a game then. Which, of course, detracts from reading it as a static story.

Maybe one day I'll go back and make and Actual Play thread of my Tales game and put everything in the past tense.

[Glorelendil]

I want to start a PbP game where everybody has to write in verse.

[Hermes Serpent]

One thing that might help you understand Tolkien is that he is supposed to have only used words that originated in Early English, Anglo-Saxon or Norse i.e. the words have the root forms in those languages. I presume he did so for the purpose of having the rhythms and phrasing of the material he studied. In an oral culture the rhythm and phrasing is what makes the story memorable and I'm sure that kind of thing is behind the use of language in his books.

[Stormcrow]

I presume he did so for the purpose of having the rhythms and phrasing of the material he studied.

He did so because there is a general feeling among scholars of Old English that the Normans ruined the language after they took over.

See, e.g., How We'd Talk If the English Had Won in 1066.

[zedturtle]

Say not ruined, but changed, and I will agree with you.

Sorry. Couldn't resist.

[Stormcrow]

I said Old English scholars say this, not I.